Things You’ll Need to Survive Being a Zombie
Things You’ll Need to Survive Being a Zombie
If you’ve woken up and discovered that you’re a zombie, don’t panic. There are several things you can do to ensure that you survive the Zombie Apocalypse. For starters, stop thinking like a traditional zombie and get your act together. What do I mean? Well, you can still use technology, after all, just because you’re undead doesn’t mean you have to simply shuffle along like the rest of the herd. You can enjoy a large degree of success as a new zombie if you take the time to read this article and put the information to good use.
When I realized I’d become a zombie, I was so mad. I mean, seriously, who wants to hire an undead zombie? However, you can still lead a productive life if you just put your mind to it, or someone else’s, by having a tasty mid-day snack…but I digress. Although eating brains isn’t as gross as you might think, we need to stay focused on the things we can use to help us survive and get ahead as a zombie. Think about things that can help you survive, such as electronic devices. Humans are definitely not the only ones who can use all this abandoned technology.
For instance, the items on the following list are a must-have collection of things that will put you head and shoulders above other zombies out there. I’ve personally been using each of these things for the last year with great success. (Clearly, as I’m still around to write this article)
1. Cell phone with GPS
You might not think that this would be useful to a zombie, but think again. With a good GPS you can locate places that are more likely to have a large number of humans. Think of it as a restaurant finder.
2. MP3 player
Just because you’re undead, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a few tunes. Granted, we can’t be sure how long the technology will last, but I say enjoy it while it lasts. Plus, there’s the added bonus that when you have your earphones in it blocks out the incessant screaming. It gets really old to have to listen to humans screaming all the time when they catch a glimpse of you.
3. GoGo Tally Counter
Think about finding a GoGo tally counter to keep track of how many humans you’ve eaten in one day. I’m not saying that you’re fat, but you’re going to want to keep track of how many people you’ve eaten so that you don’t go overboard.
Now this is a really indispensable item to have. You can use apps like:
a. Calorie counter
Track your calorie consumption on your iPad. It’s a good idea to keep track of the number of calories you’ve consumed each day. You should know that even one human brain is enough to feed three zombies. What this means to you is that you are eating about 2000 calories if you eat the whole thing like a little piggy. No one likes a fat zombie, so keep track of how many calories you’re consuming.
b. My fitnesspal.com
This app is great to help you work off the pounds when you’ve eaten too many people in one week. Think about exercises like walking. Jogging is just too hard for a zombie, so concentrate on exercises that are easier for us to do. Go to the local YMCA and use the treadmill. Or take a swim.
5. Sonicare Toothbrush
You will definitely need a good electric toothbrush. Why? Because it’s hard to get the bits of flesh and brains out of your teeth after you’ve eaten. Zombies have gotten a really bad rap for poor oral hygiene, and with the Sonicare toothbrush, your breath will definitely improve. And bonus, you don’t have to worry about having too much coordination either, because it’s electric and uses advanced technology to get everything out from between your teeth. All you have to do is hold this little beauty up to your teeth and it will do all the work for you.
This is an essential item for any zombie’s survival. For instance, that guy you ate yesterday? He probably has a TV with an Xbox already attached. So go back to his house and play the Walking Dead game. It will give you valuable insight into how humans are planning to ambush you and kill you. Pay close attention to their use of weapons, such as guns and crossbows. Learn how to survive by avoiding humans until you need to eat one.
7. Personal Alarm
This is perhaps one of the most important devices you can acquire. With a mini personal alarm that has a motion detector, you have the personal security of an alarm that notifies nearby zombies that a human is attacking you, and as an added bonus, the motion detector will alert you to the presence of a human before he gets close enough to kill you. Just remember that the motion detector won’t work if the human cheats by using a gun or crossbow (see #6 about this).
Even if you didn’t shoot a gun when you were alive, this is a talent you want to cultivate immediately. People don’t expect a zombie to shoot at them, so why not turn the tables on them and fire a few rounds at them before they know what’s going on. And if you’re quick, you can still eat their brains before they cool.
I know that this list isn’t exhaustive, but it gives you a good idea of some things that are simple for a zombie to manipulate and use that are critical for your survival. Being a zombie isn’t the end of the world, regardless of what the humans might think. With a little forethought, and the use of some simple technological devices, your undead life can be just as fulfilling as your life was.
* This blog post was written by Ronnie Lynn
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